Yeah, famous daves is filling -_-. UGH! i don't even want to work at the moment. Moreso this feeling of wanting to pass out in my cube, with a sheet over the top so i have a fort, muahaha.
I've been having a lot of Fucked up dreams lately. Lots that have to do with something extremely wrong going on, and i have to run for my life; and in that process i'm trying to find someone that had been with me.
In the last dream, of all people that had been with me was Gus O_o. It's been years since i've spoken to Gus, and the mere thought of talking to him again just makes me want to take him out...but at the same time, i have this fucked up sence of really missing him. Gus, had been the only really Gay Guy friend i've ever had. Paul-Mark-other Paul-Eric-And Tyler don't really count O_o. They are all more party/sexual aquantences i've hung out with, but not to the point where i'd concider them "good friends."
With what everything that i and Gus had went through that ended badly, it frustrated me to say that i would have concidered him as my best friend at the time, and even moreso maybe my first love. It wasn't the healthiest lifestyle either: smoking, drinking, extreme dieting, excessive excercising, fucking with people for entertainment, drunk driving, playing mind games with others...Wanna be Paris-Hilton-lifestyles. We were horrid towards others, to Gus's boyfriend at the time...i think he had two though?O_o. In one instance Gus and i started feircly making out while his boyfriend was on the phone, and i could hear him saying "hello? is anyone there? what the hell is going on?" But...it was fun and games. Given i was 15 and everyone goes through crazy stages around those years as part of teenage rebellion.
But overall i do miss him, sure we were out of control, but we had our positive moments that hadn't been negativly affected other people, and we just let loose. Playing ps2, going for walks, swimming, playing card games and laughing about everything.
One hott day in the middle of summer. Gus's parents we're gone; we had the stereo playing Snow Patrol playing, and i think it was "chasing cars" playing, he was out on the deck staring off into the forrest, i walked up behind him, he took a deep look into my eyes, and in an instant, for some automatic reason that i still can't understand to this day, i walked up right behind him, and wrapped my arms around his lower chest from behind and gently placed my head on his right shoulder. Not even wondering what he would repondwith, he slowly leaned into my body and tilted his hed back on my left shoulder as he placed his arm over mine and cupped my hand and just stood there.I can remember like it was yesterday. This safe feeling, the warm breeze, the sun flickering through the trees as the wind blew through them, snow patrol in the background...it just felt...right. in those few moments i can only describe it as nothing more but, passion. And then came the thought that i may actually love him, but i didn't know if he felt the same.
I dont remember the rest of that day, or how long we actually stood there. But a few weeks after, we started fighting again, and then we didn't speak to eachother. I'm still unclear as is to why the fight started, or why Gus choosed not to resolve anything. For years i've been angry at him, never to the point of trash talking him or spreading rumors, but just mentioning to people when he came up, how much i hated him. I think all that hate that i had towards him wasn't even hate...but mixed up saddness bc i lost my friend.
So now, everything is in the past, and there's no going back. Even if the chance arouse where Gus and i could become friends again, it would never be the same as it was. Gus i and are completely different people now, then when we were young. It's that "oh well" feeling, lol.
(le sigh)
And i'm done
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